Stress

So I read this post on Her.meneutics (a Christianity Today blog directed toward women) today about over committed and stressed out college students turning Adderoll. As a recently graduated law student I am intimately aware of the pressure to do and be committed to too much as a college and/or graduate student. However, I cringe at the solution offered here that these students should simply be taught (and expected) to commit to less. After practicing the Sabbath throughout my time as an undergraduate and into the first year of law school, I realized that it just wasn’t practicable any more. Academic demands had increased, I needed to work both for the experience and the financial reasons, I wanted to take time to serve in my church in order to develop community and fellowship there, and yes, I wanted to do fun stuff on occasion which sometimes resulted in me working on Sundays. While taking the Sabbath was a great form of spiritual discipline, it just pushed activities and stress to other times of my week. 

College students seem to have more discretionary time at their disposal than any other group of people (something I would have wholeheartedly denied as a college student, but see differently now). This doesn't undermine the fact that students are stressed, there is pressure to fill all of that free time with various activities and commitments. The hard thing is that college kids want do to it all, or at least I did anyway. Instead of telling them to say no (because they won’t), I think the Church, Christian colleges, and even secular schools need to offer better resources for dealing with stress and heavy workloads so that students don’t turn to unhealthy behaviors like using Adderall. In a systemic sense I think the availability and destigmatization (<-- not a word, but this is my blog so I get to make up words) of mental health services is imperative, but beyond that as Christians we have something else to offer. 

We need to remember and remind each other that we are defined by Christ. Our worth comes solely from God and our value is not earned, but given to us out of grace. Truly understanding and believing this has huge ramifications for how we experience success and prioritize our lives. This does not necessarily solve the problem of feeling over whelmed or over committed at times, but it completely changes what we turn to in those times.  This is not a quick and easy solution. Instead it is a continual process of sanctification and the Church has an opportunity to help students grow in their understanding of this. 

In my experience, mentorship by godly spiritually mature women was (and is) an invaluable resource for self-reflection and spiritual growth. These women have continually been a source of encouragement and a dose of reality for me. Both as an undergraduate and a graduate student I lived far from my parents and the normal day to day life I grew up in. Both in Berkeley and here in Minnesota I have had a families from church opened their homes to me on a weekly basis. I didn't feel like a guest in their home, but I mean that in the best way possible. I just felt like I was at home, except these homes had little kids who wanted to throw darts, play dress up, or watch a movie with me and they weren't always on their best behavior. The point is that they reminded me that there was more to life than my busy college world and gave me a sense of normalcy among the chaos. I also had a strong community of friends who were dealing with the same stresses I was and were plugged into similar support networks. We related to each other and were able to be real with each other. They provided me with accountability as well as an outlet for some of my stress. In the context of these communities, I was reminded daily that my hope is in Christ and that even in the midst of stress and feeling like I am drowning I am loved. 

Sure, I could have said no to more stuff and I might have been less stressed, but stress is inevitable no matter what you do (right?). What kept me afloat was the community I was surrounded by continually reminding me of my identity in Christ.

P.S. Sorry there is so much churchy jargon in this post. Hopefully the point still gets across. 

Things I love...

Getting emails in all caps from family members who don't know any better, celebrating safe travels and answered prayers.

Kayaking Adventure

I say this a lot, but Minnesota is amazing during the summer. After a super long, super cold, super snowy winter, all I want to do is spend all my time outdoors. Luckily I have friends and family who make that a pretty easy goal to achieve. With Christine’s hubby out of the country being a smarty-pants, and a whole day off work, Christine and I drove up to Breezy Point last Sunday to hang out with my Aunt and Uncle for the 4^th of July.

I’ve also mentioned in the past how much I admire my Aunt and Uncle. These two have had so much adventure in their life together and continue to do things in their 60’s that I’m not sure I can do now in my 20’s. Always looking for new hobbies, they recently purchased a pair of kayaks. I’ve been dying to visit them ever since I heard about this. After arriving at their house and eating a quick lunch, we packed up and set out for an afternoon of kayaking. A friend of theirs from church came along and graciously lent her double kayak to me and Christine. She also lent me an awesome purple visor. Christine opted for my Aunt’s safari hat, the logo on which read: Boomerang Express: It all comes back to Jesus. We were both fashionable and well protected from the sun.

 Note how prepared for adventure we look in this picture.

We launched into a lake that had an outlet onto Pine River. We went up stream and it was very hard work. This however is not reflected in the many pictures that were taken as they all seem to look like Christine and I were just lounging about. I assure you, there was very little only some lounging. 

We went up the river, taking a break in some shallow water to look at a beaver lodge (It was explained to me that a beaver dam stops the water to create a mini-lake, while a beaver lodge does not), and heading into some rapids. Christine and I attempted to make it through said rapids, but the current proved too strong for us, so we turned around. 

At some point as we headed up the river we lost my Uncle who stopped to do some fishing. As we went back to find him we happened upon a family who wisely used their children, rather than their engine, to get up the river (so very green of them). 

 Future parenting tip noted.

Finally, we found my Uncle and proceeded to lounge/fend off mosquitoes while the grown-ups (Christine and I are not grown-ups) fished for a bit. 

As it got to be dinner time we headed back into the lake. At this point Christine and I were tired. We decided to push through as fast as we could, just to get back onto dry land. With two people rowing fairly vigorously we were making pretty good headway. We thought we would definitely beat all the others in their single person kayaks, who obviously would not be able to keep up with us. But, no, my Aunt is Super Woman. Seriously. Every time we’d turn around she would only be yards away no matter how fast we rowed. She amazes me.

 Speck on the right: me and Christine. Speck on the left: Super Woman.

Once we had all made it onto shore we loaded up and headed home. The next day Christine and I were completely useless. Several hours of kayaking amounted to a very lazy following day, even after getting a solid eight hours of sleep. That’s not to say the day was wasted, but more on that in another post. As Christine and I hobbled out to breakfast the next morning, my Aunt, who had obviously been up for some time preparing food for us all, asked us if we wanted to go kayaking again that day. Since we were exhausted, we declined. I have no idea where she gets her energy, like I said, my Aunt is Super Woman. 

Hello Again!

I've realized something recently. I miss writing. So, once again, I'm making a resolution to do a better job of keeping this thing updated.

To start things off, I'm going to repost something I wrote for a different blog. The women at my church have used a blog for the past year to encourage one another to "raise the bar" in our lives. Feel free to check it out. Here is the link to my post, and for convenience sake, I've copy and pasted it below.

...

Since being challenged to raise the bar, I have seen God give me a series of tangible, concrete “things” to do. As I saw each of these "things" come to a close, I believed I had successfully raised the bar. I was ready to move on, but I am now realizing how connected these "things" are and how yet again God is challenging me to raise the bar in a new way.

This summer, I was at a point in my life where I felt like I was standing on a ledge with a big, wide black space in front of me. I had graduated from law school without any prospects for a long-term job. I was torn between staying in Minnesota or moving back to California where I grew up. I wanted to stay in Minnesota (yes, I know it is cold here), but as time wore on and no jobs were surfacing it did not seem financially feasible. Not to mention the fact that all of my job concerns would be moot if I didn’t pass the big, ugly Bar (legal bar, not metaphorical spiritual challenge bar) I had hanging over my head.

In all of this I was oddly at peace. I was in a place where I was fine for the present, but had to rely deeply on God to provide for the future, even in the face of the future not being what I wanted it to be. I realized I really needed to submit to what God had planned for me. I had to trust that whatever He had in store for me was under the protection of a Good God. I remember one night just praying that God would help me let go of Minnesota if I wasn’t going to end up here. A peace washed over me and, though it sounds cheesy, at that point, even though I still wanted to stay in Minnesota, I was able to see the possible good in going back to California (moving back in with the parents and all). Two days later I was hired as an attorney here in Minnesota. Problem solved. God provided. Bar raised. Check.

Next, I felt God telling me to raise the bar by setting down roots in Minnesota, in my life, in relationships, and at Hope. I took several risks, trusting that by moving forward God would grow the relationships I was entering into and provide the community I needed to make Minnesota feel like home. I found roommates who I hoped would be a source of good community. I started dating someone. I got a dog. I became a member at Hope. I joined a small group and became a mentor. I did everything I could think of to set down roots. Once again, bar raised.

Then, more recently, I realized that while I had been challenged to raise the bar in the ways mentioned above, the results weren’t all what I thought they would be. My life didn’t magically snap into place.

Despite efforts to get to know my roommates, they are largely MIA, so I basically live alone. The transition into my new role at work is negatively affecting relationships with co-workers that I thought were pretty solid. The dating thing fizzled out without ever becoming much to speak of. Though I am more intentionally involved at church, I still struggle with the work that goes into developing actual relationships with people. Oh, and then my dog died. I know, it seems kind of harsh, written out like that, but that’s exactly how it felt—harsh. I was frustrated. I had taken all the steps, done everything I could to be obedient to the things God was calling me to.

I am employed, have a roof over my head, growing friendships, and a relatively comfortable life, but nothing was turning out the way I thought it would. I realized I was starting to feel resentful. Not an angry resentment, more like a curious resentment. Hadn’t I raised the bar? I had been obedient, so where were my results?

Then it hit me. God is enough. All of these things happening in my life were ways God had “come through.” God had totally provided! I’m happy with my job. While I don’t like living alone, my living situation is comfortable. I feel like I’m making some really great new friendships at church. And yet, none of that stuff is ever going fulfill me. That is something only God can do. By focusing on how satisfied I am by my circumstances, I am worshiping the things God has provided rather than simply worshiping God.

So where does that leave me now? In all honesty, I’m not there yet. I am still struggling not to evaluate my relationship with God based on the results I see. When I feel dissatisfied I’m trying to remind myself through prayer and scripture that God really is enough. Lamentations 3:22-24 has been a huge encouragement in this process: “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'"

Perfect Day

Today was the perfect day. An afternoon spent at the beach. I read an entire book from start to finish, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. It was the sort of book that's is so witty and well written, it makes you want to go home and write in the blog you've neglected for 8 mos. I jumped in the freezing cold waves and avoided patches of seaweed as it either floated by in the current or was thrown at me by my Dad. I buried my toes in soft sand (nothing like that weird rocky stuff at the lake). Even though I love MN, there was a moment today when I reconsidered my long term plans. I've spent that last two and a half months looking forward to this day and it met all my expectations. I am so incredibly blessed.

Be Still

Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:13-14

School has started again, though I'm not sure that I've really started school quite yet. Still don't have the books I ordered on line, though hopefully they will be awaiting me when I go home this evening. Haven't read for this week (for obvious reasons). I have a million meetings scheduled, but haven't attended any yet. The busyness of it all is kind of overwhelming, but still removed, sort of looming in front of me.

Also looming out there is the fact that this is my last year of school EVER. There is a certain amount of excitement that comes with finally reaching my educational goals, but I am definitely nervous about the fact that I don't have a job yet. That I don't know where I'm going to live next year. That I don't know where I should take the bar. That I'm comfortable in Minnesota and I don't want to leave, but might not have a choice. That I have no idea what the next step is.

So, here I am. Feeling like I'm standing on a ledge with a lot of nothing in front of me and for whatever reasons, feeling very pessimistic about the whole thing. Yet, I know God is there. So often in my life His plans tend to unfold in the eleventh hour. A friend actually pointed this out to me and admonished that perhaps (read: most definitely) God is trying to teach me to rely on Him...over and over and over and over. I will plan if given the opportunity. I tend to live my life in such a way that basically says, "Hey God, how about I plan all this out and You make it happen. Sound good?" So when I can't plan, I'm "forced" to rely on whatever God is doing and I'm reminded, that though it is not in my nature, this is probably part of the sanctification God desires for me.

Tuesday morning before school I came across the verse at the beginning of this post. As I read, I just kept coming back to it and was reminded of this verse:

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10

I love this verse and try to focus on it when life is getting busy, but I've always associated it with peaceful imagery; waterfalls, warm sun, soft breezes, that sort of thing. I love how the passage in Exodus tells the people to be still as they stared at a huge army ready to take them out. I was also somewhat surprised to read the rest of Psalm 46 and find that the passage preceding this one also uses some battle imagery, because in all honesty, that's where I feel like I'm at right now. What does it mean to be still? I'm pretty sure it has something to do with prioritizing. Recognizing who God is and who I am (or rather, who I am not). Trusting that despite how I feel, God is there and in control. Learning to let go of the "what ifs" and wait. For now, I am praying God will teach me to be still and that He would take care of all those "Egyptians" I'm worried about.

I leave you with this gem from one of my favorites, the Newsboys.

Be Still

be still and know He
know He is holy
be still and know He is God
love Him more dearly
see Him more clearly
be still and know He is God

we've been running without a direction
we're afraid to get there late
what we need is strength just to kneel down
and wait

Carmel Corn

Lately I've been missing California and all the things I associate with summer in California...the beach; really hot, really dry days; barbequeing with my family; spa nights with friends etc. One summer when I lived in ADX we were obsessed with caramel corn. We seriously made it like once a week if not more. In an effort to cure some of this nostalgia (and newly enabled by my fancy stovetop popcorn popper that I got for my bday from some of my favorite people) I decided to make some caramel corn tonight. After an unsuccessful email attempt at getting the recipe we used on short notice, I did some internet searching and I'm pretty sure I found the right recipe.



It's crazy how fast time goes by, I can't believe it's been 3 summers since the caramel popcorn summer. I'm so blessed by all the people God's put in my life, but as I do more things and meet more people it's hard being away from other people that I care about.

Even if you aren't missing home and feeling nostalgic, here's a great recipe for caramel corn.



Caramel Corn

• 7 quarts plain popped popcorn
• 2 cups brown sugar
• 1/2 cup light corn syrup
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup margarine
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

DIRECTIONS
1. Place the popped popcorn into two shallow greased baking pans. You may use roasting pans, jelly roll pans, or disposable roasting pans. Add the peanuts to the popped corn if using. Set aside.
2. Preheat the oven to 250 degrees F (120 degrees C). Combine the brown sugar, corn syrup, margarine and salt in a saucepan. Bring to a boil over medium heat, stirring enough to blend. Once the mixture begins to boil, boil for 5 minutes while stirring constantly.
3. Remove from the heat, and stir in the baking soda and vanilla. The mixture will be light and foamy. Immediately pour over the popcorn in the pans, and stir to coat. Don't worry too much at this point about getting all of the corn coated.
4. Bake for 1 hour, removing the pans, and giving them each a good stir every 15 minutes. Line the counter top with waxed paper. Dump the corn out onto the waxed paper and separate the pieces. Allow to cool completely, then store in airtight containers or resealable bags.

Shark Boy

I picked up a job this summer teaching swimming lessons. So far I love it, but I've just been training. I don't start actually teaching until Monday. The kids are hilarious, so I'll try to keep you all informed of all the funny things that happen to me in the course of this job.

For starters, there's this kid, who I'll call Shark Boy because he wears goggles that look like a shark mouth and he thinks they give him super human powers to swim extra fast....anyway you can totally tell he's the type of kid that just soaks up a ton of information and will tell it to anyone who will listen. Today he told me that this week he saw Jesus turn into a tree. Kid's theology is obviously way off.

In other non-swimming news I have to make an appointment with an orthodontist. What self-respecting 23 year old still goes to the orthodontist? Ugh...

Dear Jesus,

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for summer and nights when it's just beginning to get dark at 9pm and warmth and stars. Thank you for worship and peace and joy. Thank you for prayer and listening. Thank you for your Spirit, for your healing. God, thank you for your grace, for loving me and teaching me to extend grace to myself.

Easter

This is a post from my old xanga that I thought I'd repost in part today. I wrote it during Spring break of my Junior year while visiting Emily in Paris. Below is the painting the post is about. For reference, the painting depicts John 20:1-9.


Although it sounds like I've just been goofing around for most of this trip, it's also been very "spiritual" (or whatever you wanna call it). This being Europe and all, we've managed to hit up several of the major Cathedrals and museums. It's been cool to see how each one teaches me a little something more about the gospel. I could probably write a really long entry about each of them, but that would probably be excessive (if you wanna know about the other places ask me). Instead I'll just tell you about my most recent moment at the Musee d'Orsay. There are a ton of famous impressionist works there, but I was struck by a random painting some where in the middle of an exhibit on the second floor. I can't remember who painted it or what the French title was, even though I went back to look just so I'd remember for this entry. Anyway it was a painting by some guy whose name starts with a B, of Peter and John as they were running to the tomb to see if Jesus was really gone. It was an amazing and yet simple picture. It was close, just of their upper bodies. I think what made me cry when I looked at them were their expressions. They looked excited, hurried, worried, and relieved at the same time. I was left imagining what it might have been like for the disciples to hear that Jesus was not in the tomb. Their fear that some one had stolen His body. The thrill of the thought that their best friend was really coming back to them. Jesus promised to return, but the disciples were not always the quickest of fellows. I wonder if when they finally figured it out, all of their memories of Jesus saying odd things about coming back on the third day came flooding back and clicked into place. Christ had conquered death, but even more, their best friend was back. How often do I run to Jesus with that same enthusiasm? Does my relationship with Him reflect that same amount of passion, fear, love, and expectancy? I have a God who died for me, how amazing is that? And in addition to that, He wants a relationship; He knows me and wants me to know Him in the same way. I want to run to him like Peter and John did.

Good Friday

Yesterday was a good Friday. The Good Friday service at church opened with the worship team playing Sufjan's Abraham.

Abraham, worth a righteous one
Take up on the wood
Put it on your son
Lake or lamb
There is none to harm
When the angel came
You had raised your arm

Abraham, put off on your son
Take instead the ram
Until Jesus comes

I love this song. I love this story. I love God's foreshadowing.

It's hard to internalize the significance of Christ's death, to reconcile God's justice and His grace. In some ways Abraham's story is more relatable. It's easier to look at the story and understand how hard it would be for a father to kill his son when his son did not deserve it. While Christ's death is certainly a horrific image, Abraham's story sheds light on looking at it through the lens of Jesus and God's relationship.

I think that some times I forget about Jesus' humanity, that just before His arrest He prayed for an out and appealed to God calling Him Abba, Father. I think about salvation and the crucifixion in a sort of removed way that allows me to discount the sacrifice and suffering involved. I ignore the pain that Jesus and God must have suffered when they were separated because it's easier on my pride. Some how it makes me feel like I need God less, a total lie. I realize that in doing this I'm missing out on understanding how much God loves me. I'm grateful for the moments when I wake up from those lies. Right now I feel loved.

Whoa!

Sometimes I have these moments where it hits me that I am in Minnesota, thousands of miles away from beaches (the good kind), sunshine, and my childhood "life." It's weird because Minnesota has never been a strange place to me. I spent a lot of time here on family vacays, my extended family has always been here, and it is where I was born. Even though I've been here for over a year and a half now, I'm still caught off guard sometimes by the fact that I'm not on vacation and that this place is actually starting to feel like home. I can picture myself living here after law school, like settling down here. It's weird, but good.

Since high school I've been thinking about my life in chunks -- this is where I was, this is where I am, and this is where I'm going. It's odd to get to the point in my life where I have to make some more permanent decisions. I'm still not ready to commit to any one place...side track: wow, I just had an epiphany. Is it weird that I don't want commit to living anywhere yet? I feel like most people I know have a general idea of where they want to end up. Might need more time to fully process the implications of that...* Not knowing where I'm going to end up is kind of frustrating and doesn't really jive with the whole plan-it-all-in-advance part of my personality. Yet, I'm sort of getting the impression that God is using this to encourage (and by encourage I mean force) me to rely on him.

* Dave/Randi - insert comment here.

Playing Catch Up

Okay, so it's the last day of February and I am still 3 days shy of reaching 25 things. So, I will try to throw something together in this post.

22. I love people watching.

This might have something to do with that over analytical thing I talked about before. My favorite thing to do is to assess couple's relationships at coffee shops.

23. I have really high expectations for people.

I think this comes out of my general sense of optimism. I see the best in people and I expect them to live up to that. I'm coming to terms with the fact that when I feel let down that is often my problem, and not theirs.

24. I avoid awkward situations as often as possible...which often only makes awkward situations more awkward.

This has been recently complicated by the introduction of Randi into my life, but I love her nonetheless.

25. I am a C, I am a C-H, I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N


My relationship with Christ is what defines me, it is what drives me, and it is what I strive toward. This all sounds kind of cliche, but it is true. In college most of my life was centered around ministry (through Crusade and ADX) and it was a lot easier to find my identity in Christ in that context. Learning what it looks like to glorify God in law school is challenging, but I feel like it's a better reflection of what my faith will look like in the long term than what it was in college. It requires a different sort of intentionality and integration and it's something that I still feel lost in.

Should Probably Get over It

20. I'm still bitter about elementary school.

Suffice it to say that I went to a small private school and was not one of the "cool kids." However, I found my niche at church. My church had an amazing children's program back in the day, we refer to it as the golden years of YCC children's ministry. My oldest friends are people I met in church. It's crazy because in a few years, some of these people will have kids that are the same age as we were when we met. I love that we grew up together. We all lead very different lives now, but it's amazing to see how God has worked in each of our lives over the years. Tuts for life. :)

Thinking About It

14. I over analyze...like to a ridiculous extent.

I especially over analyze when it comes to my relationships, with people and with God. In some ways I think that my analytical perspective helps me relate to and read people better. I also think that it's made me extremely intentional when it comes to my faith. Still, the "over" part of it makes me doubt myself and where I stand with people and God. I don't think I'll ever be able to just turn it off, but hopefully as I grow I'll learn how to better balance between being analytical and over analytical.

Who I Want to Be

Note...these are likely to get shorter, because the novelty is wearing off.

10. I hope that I can be the kind of woman my Grandmom was.

While many amazing Christian women have influence my life, I look up to my Grandmom the most. She loved people and Christ in a way that I just can't comprehend. She never put herself before other people even toward the end of her life when she was really sick. That's not to say she let herself be walked upon, she often insisted she get her way. I remember once when I was a kid my older cousin and his friend helped move a couch into my Grandmom's apartment. She wanted to give them money as a thank you so they could go out to eat or something afterward. They both insisted that it was unnecessary, but Grandmom insisted more and they finally took money. Only my cousin slipped the money back into her purse when she wasn't looking. Except, Grandmom was much too clever for that trick; she saw the money and as she hugged my cousin good bye she managed to put the money in his back pocket without him ever realizing it. She was also a very competitive game player, I don't ever remember her letting me win as a kid.

I always felt loved by my Grandmom and I know that she had that same impact on others. I've gone back to the church my mom grew up in a couple times since moving to MN and people still tell me amazing stories about her. I see this same capacity to care for other people in my mom. I hope that, like my mom and Grandmom, I become the type of woman that shows people who Christ is by the way that I live and treat others.

Messy

4. The cleanliness of my room is a fairly accurate representation of where my heart is at.

When I am stressed or have too much going on in my life, my room gets messy. Usually I set aside time to clean my room and sort of symbolically destress my life. I've noticed, in general, that the more stress I have in my life, the less I focus on who God is and who He wants me to be. It becomes so easy to push aside, even the things that matter most, when my priorities get out of whack.

Perspective

When it's not unbearably cold, the snow/winter isn't so bad.

Lord,
Thank you for -20 degree days that give me the perspective to enjoy 20 degree days.

Discuss Please

I am admittedly stealing this post from Cinr, but I thought she raised what could potentially be a really helpful discussion. I realize our reader pools overlap to a large degree, but I would still love to hear from everyone (copy and paste your comments people :) ).

How do you study the Bible? Do you have any suggestions for unique/alternative/helpful approaches to digging into God's Word?