Stress

So I read this post on Her.meneutics (a Christianity Today blog directed toward women) today about over committed and stressed out college students turning Adderoll. As a recently graduated law student I am intimately aware of the pressure to do and be committed to too much as a college and/or graduate student. However, I cringe at the solution offered here that these students should simply be taught (and expected) to commit to less. After practicing the Sabbath throughout my time as an undergraduate and into the first year of law school, I realized that it just wasn’t practicable any more. Academic demands had increased, I needed to work both for the experience and the financial reasons, I wanted to take time to serve in my church in order to develop community and fellowship there, and yes, I wanted to do fun stuff on occasion which sometimes resulted in me working on Sundays. While taking the Sabbath was a great form of spiritual discipline, it just pushed activities and stress to other times of my week. 

College students seem to have more discretionary time at their disposal than any other group of people (something I would have wholeheartedly denied as a college student, but see differently now). This doesn't undermine the fact that students are stressed, there is pressure to fill all of that free time with various activities and commitments. The hard thing is that college kids want do to it all, or at least I did anyway. Instead of telling them to say no (because they won’t), I think the Church, Christian colleges, and even secular schools need to offer better resources for dealing with stress and heavy workloads so that students don’t turn to unhealthy behaviors like using Adderall. In a systemic sense I think the availability and destigmatization (<-- not a word, but this is my blog so I get to make up words) of mental health services is imperative, but beyond that as Christians we have something else to offer. 

We need to remember and remind each other that we are defined by Christ. Our worth comes solely from God and our value is not earned, but given to us out of grace. Truly understanding and believing this has huge ramifications for how we experience success and prioritize our lives. This does not necessarily solve the problem of feeling over whelmed or over committed at times, but it completely changes what we turn to in those times.  This is not a quick and easy solution. Instead it is a continual process of sanctification and the Church has an opportunity to help students grow in their understanding of this. 

In my experience, mentorship by godly spiritually mature women was (and is) an invaluable resource for self-reflection and spiritual growth. These women have continually been a source of encouragement and a dose of reality for me. Both as an undergraduate and a graduate student I lived far from my parents and the normal day to day life I grew up in. Both in Berkeley and here in Minnesota I have had a families from church opened their homes to me on a weekly basis. I didn't feel like a guest in their home, but I mean that in the best way possible. I just felt like I was at home, except these homes had little kids who wanted to throw darts, play dress up, or watch a movie with me and they weren't always on their best behavior. The point is that they reminded me that there was more to life than my busy college world and gave me a sense of normalcy among the chaos. I also had a strong community of friends who were dealing with the same stresses I was and were plugged into similar support networks. We related to each other and were able to be real with each other. They provided me with accountability as well as an outlet for some of my stress. In the context of these communities, I was reminded daily that my hope is in Christ and that even in the midst of stress and feeling like I am drowning I am loved. 

Sure, I could have said no to more stuff and I might have been less stressed, but stress is inevitable no matter what you do (right?). What kept me afloat was the community I was surrounded by continually reminding me of my identity in Christ.

P.S. Sorry there is so much churchy jargon in this post. Hopefully the point still gets across. 

Snow Day

I think I've fooled myself into believing that I've acclimated to this whole winter thing (PUN!), today I was smacked back to California with a serious dose of reality. On my way to class as I pulled out of my drive way, I was distracted by the semi-broken garage door. I hadn't turned as sharply as I needed to, but figured I'd still be able to make it out onto the street. I continued to reverse and got stuck, pulled forward and got stuck, and tried to reverse only to realize I was stuck, REALLY STUCK! I had backed over a mound of ice (see, when the temperature stays below freezing for months at a time what looks like pretty mounds of snow is really rock solid ice dusted with snow) and I wasn't going anywhere. I think the standard protocol in this sort of situation is to give the car a push, but neither of my roommates was home so I started digging/hacking away. I spent over an hour trying to get my car unstuck before my neighbor graciously pitched in with some more digging, clever use of a card board box, and a few big pushes.

In the midst of the digging I kept wavering between breaking down in tears and laughing. It was one of those moments where I was both wishing my dad was there (he fixes things like this) and being oddly proud that I was a grown up who was going to get herself out of this mess. It might have been a coming of age moment. I chose to laugh, waited to call my dad until after the ordeal was over, and decided this wasn't going to ruin my day.

By the time I was out I had practically missed all of class so I pulled my car back into the garage and proclaimed a Snow Day! I had coffee with a friend, wore sweats most of the day, lazed around the house, and went to a movie with some friends followed by sushi and beer. I really needed a day off, so despite the hassle, I think this morning was a blessing.

Be Still

Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:13-14

School has started again, though I'm not sure that I've really started school quite yet. Still don't have the books I ordered on line, though hopefully they will be awaiting me when I go home this evening. Haven't read for this week (for obvious reasons). I have a million meetings scheduled, but haven't attended any yet. The busyness of it all is kind of overwhelming, but still removed, sort of looming in front of me.

Also looming out there is the fact that this is my last year of school EVER. There is a certain amount of excitement that comes with finally reaching my educational goals, but I am definitely nervous about the fact that I don't have a job yet. That I don't know where I'm going to live next year. That I don't know where I should take the bar. That I'm comfortable in Minnesota and I don't want to leave, but might not have a choice. That I have no idea what the next step is.

So, here I am. Feeling like I'm standing on a ledge with a lot of nothing in front of me and for whatever reasons, feeling very pessimistic about the whole thing. Yet, I know God is there. So often in my life His plans tend to unfold in the eleventh hour. A friend actually pointed this out to me and admonished that perhaps (read: most definitely) God is trying to teach me to rely on Him...over and over and over and over. I will plan if given the opportunity. I tend to live my life in such a way that basically says, "Hey God, how about I plan all this out and You make it happen. Sound good?" So when I can't plan, I'm "forced" to rely on whatever God is doing and I'm reminded, that though it is not in my nature, this is probably part of the sanctification God desires for me.

Tuesday morning before school I came across the verse at the beginning of this post. As I read, I just kept coming back to it and was reminded of this verse:

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10

I love this verse and try to focus on it when life is getting busy, but I've always associated it with peaceful imagery; waterfalls, warm sun, soft breezes, that sort of thing. I love how the passage in Exodus tells the people to be still as they stared at a huge army ready to take them out. I was also somewhat surprised to read the rest of Psalm 46 and find that the passage preceding this one also uses some battle imagery, because in all honesty, that's where I feel like I'm at right now. What does it mean to be still? I'm pretty sure it has something to do with prioritizing. Recognizing who God is and who I am (or rather, who I am not). Trusting that despite how I feel, God is there and in control. Learning to let go of the "what ifs" and wait. For now, I am praying God will teach me to be still and that He would take care of all those "Egyptians" I'm worried about.

I leave you with this gem from one of my favorites, the Newsboys.

Be Still

be still and know He
know He is holy
be still and know He is God
love Him more dearly
see Him more clearly
be still and know He is God

we've been running without a direction
we're afraid to get there late
what we need is strength just to kneel down
and wait

Playing Catch Up

Okay, so it's the last day of February and I am still 3 days shy of reaching 25 things. So, I will try to throw something together in this post.

22. I love people watching.

This might have something to do with that over analytical thing I talked about before. My favorite thing to do is to assess couple's relationships at coffee shops.

23. I have really high expectations for people.

I think this comes out of my general sense of optimism. I see the best in people and I expect them to live up to that. I'm coming to terms with the fact that when I feel let down that is often my problem, and not theirs.

24. I avoid awkward situations as often as possible...which often only makes awkward situations more awkward.

This has been recently complicated by the introduction of Randi into my life, but I love her nonetheless.

25. I am a C, I am a C-H, I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N


My relationship with Christ is what defines me, it is what drives me, and it is what I strive toward. This all sounds kind of cliche, but it is true. In college most of my life was centered around ministry (through Crusade and ADX) and it was a lot easier to find my identity in Christ in that context. Learning what it looks like to glorify God in law school is challenging, but I feel like it's a better reflection of what my faith will look like in the long term than what it was in college. It requires a different sort of intentionality and integration and it's something that I still feel lost in.

12. I'm slightly afraid of getting killed while walking from school to my car after dark, so I always call someone while I walk.

I blame this fear on the mass emails sent to all the students about once a week informing us of an assault that has happened on or near campus. I have to be strategic about who I call. It's usually someone in CA because it's too late to call anyone in MN. My mom is usually the lucky winner because she's most likely to actually answer the phone. If I do call someone and they don't answer, I'll leave a really long message (Mel, hope you appreciated that tonight :) ), so that it at least looks like I'm talking to someone while I walk to my car.

I don't really know what good talking to someone in CA is going to do if I get attacked. But I figure the bad guy doesn't know I'm not talking to someone in MN, or across the street, or even the police, so it's got to be some sort of a deterrent. Also, I find at least a little bit of comfort in the fact that if I'm attacked at least one person will know and it won't be days (or even weeks) until someone realizes I've gone missing and informs my family.

Milestone

I AM HALF WAY DONE WITH LAW SCHOOL!!!

Taken Off Guard

I was going over my Reproductive Rights notes at Starbucks today when a woman came up and asked what I was studying. I hesitated for a second deciding whether or not I should tell her specifically what I was studying or give her a more general description. The lady didn't give me a choice. When I told her I was a law student studying for finals she asked what courses I was taking. I really didn't feel like getting into it with some stranger in the middle of Starbucks when I was in a productive mood, but I was afraid that if I only listed 2 classes she'd think I was a slacker (3 is much better right???). Of course she zeroed right in on my Choice class and asked if I was taking it for any specific reason. Again, trying to avoid a political discussion I gave the most neutral answer I could think of: "I'm generally interested in the topic and it seemed relevant." Before I knew it she was asking me if I could agree that secular humanism affected judicial decisions like Roe. I just kept telling myself to smile and nod. She just assumed I supported abortion rights. I wanted to tell her that I agreed with her, but I didn't know if she was the sort of pro-lifer I wanted to associate myself with as she spouted off random studies that link abortion to cancer, started quoting doctors, and throwing out lots of big words. She was clearly ready to confront and change my liberal ideology. Even after I politely mentioned that I don't agree with abortion, she was still very confrontational. She left telling me about how tragic she thought it was that the academic community shunned conservative view points and seemed to be warning me that if I spoke up in class about what I really thought I would probably fail whether or not what I said had any academic merit.

The irony in all this is that I've been stressing about this very thing as I prepare for this final. Taking this class has been a challenge, and most days I am the only one advocating "conservative" viewpoints, but overall I have really appreciated the opportunity to study this topic through a legal lens. Now, as I create my outline and think about the various issues that come up I'm continually asking myself, "how would I answer this?" and "what does my professor want to hear?" I hope that I can achieve some sort of balance as I write my final, making clear and convincing arguments for what I know is right and true, but not forgetting my audience and how complicated this topic really is.